inside my head

i just have to get this off of my chest

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 01:52:49 -0400

[its been a long time followers, thanks for not unfollowing me lol. ]

I think im a control freak, I wonder if freud has a stage for this. Its like I like things a certain way and I want what I want. I guess what im really getting at is it is hard for me to be in full support of you, in this, as hard as I try. I think what makes it harder is the fact that you lie about it, you lie to me, you lie to your family, you lie to your friends, but mainly, most importantly, you lie to yourself, you lie to yourself everyday. and its like, I can wrap my head around something concrete, but not something so vernacular and you lying only makes the lines blurry. I really just think you aren’t ready to come to terms with it, you just don’t want to be stigmatized. and I think this is the kind of thing that is very stigmatized, this is the kind of thing that you always made jokes about but never thought “that can be me one day”. I don’t know, really, I think I committed to you too early. I think I said I would hang in there too early, too soon, before I knew all of the weight you came with. and now that everything is coming out of the bag, one by one, I find myself just sitting here like maybe I should’ve thought better about this. I always remind myself not to be speedy gonzalez, not to act too quickly. I think what makes it worse is I think my discomfort or hesitancy or disagreement or anything makes you uncomfortable and makes you pull away from me, even when its not expressed. but what were you expecting me to say? I mean really? the same way you are asking me to accept you and your moods and feelings, I ask you. we planned for the rest of forever but truth is, I don’t think we’ll make it to forever. I think we’ll always care about each other but I do not think forever is ours.

mixedhairitage: Down & up. I guess they are okay, but upon...

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 13:11:03 -0500

mixedhairitage:

Down & up. I guess they are okay, but upon not-so-close inspection you can see I used varying levels o thickness, they are different lengths, my hair is coming out in some places & I didn’t curl the ends. Not my best work but because I’ve never done this before ill have grace on myself :) #HavanaTwists using #FingerComber wefted hair. Total time: 3 hours, not too shabby at all.

Next hairstyle, summer hairstyle, super excited, so antsy

bitsoflight: why do I want love?

Sat, 16 Feb 2013 22:39:02 -0500

bitsoflight:

why do I want love?

"I’ve had so many knives stuck into me, when they hand me a flower I can’t quite make out what it is...."

Sat, 16 Feb 2013 22:38:38 -0500

“I’ve had so many knives stuck into me, when they hand me a flower I can’t quite make out what it is. It takes time.”

- Charles Bukowski (via youareallstardust)

the-beauty-of-words-blog: My lovely followers, please follow...

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 01:34:12 -0500

the-beauty-of-words-blog:

My lovely followers, please follow this blog immediately!

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Tue, 05 Feb 2013 01:30:49 -0500

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Tue, 05 Feb 2013 01:30:12 -0500

eezyliving: The Pursuit Of Being

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 01:28:55 -0500

eezyliving:

The Pursuit Of Being

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Tue, 05 Feb 2013 01:27:49 -0500

it has been a long time Tumblr

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 01:25:27 -0500

but dont worry i will be making my reappearance VERY soon.

TRIPPY MANE.: Dear God,

Fri, 21 Dec 2012 04:27:49 -0500

TRIPPY MANE.: Dear God,:

krista-wtf:

Everyone tries to give me your voice. They all say what is a sin and what isn’t; they are always pointing the finger and barking orders. But all I ever have to say back is “my relationship with God is only with him.” Thinking about that made me realize that I have been slacking. I don’t show them…

I call this one self reflection

Fri, 21 Dec 2012 04:16:32 -0500

I’ve noticed that every family has a way of dealing with things, a specific way that is unique to them and only them. For my family, we laugh and make jokes, that’s what we do. It doesn’t seem all that unique when said like that but it is. We laugh for everything, always. I remember I used to laugh when I got beat as a child and when me and my brothers would get into fights we would later laugh when telling the story. We laugh when talking about success, poverty and death. I remember being in the 6th grade and being told by these two girls that they couldn’t be my friend anymore because I laugh to much. I’m in college and still when you ask me about my personal life I laugh. I laugh when things are funny, I laugh when I’m praised or complimented, I laugh when I’m flirted with, I laugh when I get beat, I laugh when I cry, when I’m embarrassed. I just laugh, I laugh because I don’t know, I don’t know what else to do. And its now at 4:22 am that I’m realizing this, albeit might be more severe with me, isn’t a me thing; my whole family does this. And I’m just not sure how good of a thing that is. A lot of people tell me that I never take things seriously and that I play too much or I take them for a joke but that’s not it. My laugh isn’t always a funny laugh, it means a lot more. A lot more.

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Fri, 14 Dec 2012 10:52:28 -0500

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Sun, 18 Nov 2012 14:14:20 -0500

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Sun, 18 Nov 2012 14:14:04 -0500

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Sun, 18 Nov 2012 14:13:54 -0500

I don’t care. I knew it’d happen. I wasn’t prepared but I was aware. I’ll be...

Sat, 27 Oct 2012 05:12:36 -0400

I don’t care. I knew it’d happen. I wasn’t prepared but I was aware. I’ll be okay. I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care.

okay okay okay, official tumblr update

Sun, 21 Oct 2012 02:10:00 -0400

i know i hardly ever post on here anymore. its weird kind of. because ive gotten into this thing where i feel like im being too personal and the “peeps” will find this one day, hunt me down and hold me hostage for some weird yet important information i do not have. however im completely enthralled with the idea of me dying and people being able to read my thoughts and life and being able to connect with me, to feel me when im no longer here. anyways im at a really good place right now. im learning a lot about myself and i feel myself changing so much. but in good ways. its all progression. the only downside is its becoming increasingly harder for me to stay focused on my school work. im just ready to be out of the preparatory stage of my life and on to the good stuff, the real stuff! but all in due time i suppose. it serves a purpose right? thats what i keep telling myself, it gives me solace. okay, so i do want to be an occupational therapist as planned so that hasnt changed but what has is i….i think im ready to love and be loved, back. like real love, adult love, passionate, intense love. i dont know, i dont feel as weird about it as i used to. i understand its a risk and itll hurt but im becoming ready for the pain. i also discovered that i do in fact have a type! but hes just regular, everything is regular! i like guys like that. haha! im just so excited about where i have left to go in life! oh and that bucket list i made before, i dont wanna say scratch it but, SCRATCH IT! lol im making a new one, as i go along. itll be accurate this time! also i miss my family a lot! its driving me insane but i will be home this time in one month exactly, my roommates coming with me! should be interesting! but im excited about it. ooooh, also!, i have decided to stop partying after this semester, you know give myself a grace period and im taking out my lip rings after this semester as well! i dont think i need them anymore! im more…confident? i guess thats the word. no! COMFORTABLE! i feel better, good! :) what else? oh this bible verse that makes me feel good these days that i actually JUST found said something like what you give up for the lord he will give back to you even better so even if im called a pu**y or a punk or a scaredy cat for my choices im okay with it. i have to start preparing now for the things and the life i want so when im ready for it, when its MY time, i can have it! im not like everyone else and im okay with that. more okay than ever! also im gonna go back to dressing like me! just regular, like more colors but “hipster/indie” i guess you could say. i dont know lol. but yeah, ill post more soon, i like this being able to talk and knowing that someone will listen and that im not boring them to death or theyre just listening because im still going.

toodles!!

I’ve never been the type to like confrontation. I’ll do it if I have to or if It’s...

Tue, 16 Oct 2012 21:32:46 -0400

I’ve never been the type to like confrontation. I’ll do it if I have to or if It’s necessary. But it’s not really something that I get excited about or that gives me joy. I don’t think it makes me passive aggressive, there are just different ways to deal with things.

lifeoncloud8: I think someday might be a lot closer than I...

Mon, 15 Oct 2012 02:22:19 -0400

lifeoncloud8:

~~I think someday might be a lot closer than I thought it would be.~~