[its been a long time followers, thanks for not unfollowing me lol. ]
I think im a control freak, I wonder if freud has a stage for this. Its like I like things a certain way and I want what I want. I guess what im really getting at is it is hard for me to be in full support of you, in this, as hard as I try. I think what makes it harder is the fact that you lie about it, you lie to me, you lie to your family, you lie to your friends, but mainly, most importantly, you lie to yourself, you lie to yourself everyday. and its like, I can wrap my head around something concrete, but not something so vernacular and you lying only makes the lines blurry. I really just think you aren’t ready to come to terms with it, you just don’t want to be stigmatized. and I think this is the kind of thing that is very stigmatized, this is the kind of thing that you always made jokes about but never thought “that can be me one day”. I don’t know, really, I think I committed to you too early. I think I said I would hang in there too early, too soon, before I knew all of the weight you came with. and now that everything is coming out of the bag, one by one, I find myself just sitting here like maybe I should’ve thought better about this. I always remind myself not to be speedy gonzalez, not to act too quickly. I think what makes it worse is I think my discomfort or hesitancy or disagreement or anything makes you uncomfortable and makes you pull away from me, even when its not expressed. but what were you expecting me to say? I mean really? the same way you are asking me to accept you and your moods and feelings, I ask you. we planned for the rest of forever but truth is, I don’t think we’ll make it to forever. I think we’ll always care about each other but I do not think forever is ours.